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Sitting here with my old friend anxiety.

Today is Tuesday, I’m a 40 year old male who is sitting here. Sometimes I feel hopeless, sometimes I can forget my fear. In a few hours I will be calling my boss and letting him know I will be late. Then going to meet a professional who works with panic attacks.

I have had panic attacks and anxiety for 24 years. Luckily, they aren’t daily. Now they come from events like going somewhere new like vacations. The vacation itself isn’t the issue but rather the fear comes from men getting there.

I have a flight in a few weeks and to say I’ve been consumed by it is an understatement. My first thought this morning was you only have 2 weeks left until your flight. Before I was awake I could feel the adrenaline surge through my body. Not the best way to start a day.

Deep inside I know there isn’t much to fear about my upcoming trip to Florida. Once I get

There I will be doing a job that I enjoy, the place is pretty and I’m looking forward to seeing my family and brother in law that will fly down mid week. After the 4 days of conference I will take my family to the amusement park for a few days then return home feeling relieved that the trip is over.

But until then, I worry and pray and talk and think and think and talk and pray and worry.

Searching the internet for advice that will magically take the emotional stress out of this trip. Hoping that the thoughts and negative self talk will subside.

Like I said before, I know I have nothing to worry about it’s a 2 hour flight. Up then down right? I hope it goes that well, I hope I don’t have a panic attack in mid flight and freak out in front of the passengers. I hope I don’t embarrass myself by being the man who can’t handle it. I hope.

Sorry if this isn’t a very warm and fuzzy blog post. I’m just venting some thoughts. Maybe this will be a good outlet for my emotions. I want to continue this through my trip. Maybe after the trip I will look back and see something profound.

Take care,

D

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I can do it

Sitting here thinking about my trip and how I feel nervous and anxious. My stomach is flip flopping. In a few days I’ll be on my way to Florida.

I keep telling myself I can do it. I’ll be fine. I’ve been farther then Florida. I was fine then and I will be fine this time. If I have a panic attack I will survive it. It’s a feeling, a sensation nothing more.

Even though my mind doesn’t believe me I’ll still say it.

Less then a week

Ugh! I hate the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach that I can’t do this! It’s only Florida! Why does my mind and body want to make this such a big deal!

Waking up this morning I had the thoughts of what if I get there and can’t handle being there and want to go home. Can I cope with the feelings of wanting to run. Hopefully when I get there I will go into work mode and not think about it. I hope this is all nerves and once in there I will be fine and feel more confident, but what if I won’t be. What if I’m still this scared and anxious? What do I do then?

I hate being a prisoner to fear and worry.

I can’t wait until this trip is over and I’m back home. I hate wishing my time away.

The fear of fear

I got an email asking for me to take pictures at conference and it sent a surge of energy through me. I’m really going to Florida…

I let it pass and for the most part. I can fee the stress in my chest and I pray the week in Florida isn’t one solid panic attack.

I’m scared and worried about things that could happen on my trip. Things I can’t cope with. Things that will break my brain. Leaving me unable to recover, whatever that means.

Thoughts like these ramble on and on and on and really piss me off. I’m sick of them. It’s not fair that this happened to me but life’s not always fair.

My only option is to learn that it’s ok. Life will be ok. I will be ok. I need to feel the fear and do it anyway. Like jumping off a high dive.

I know once I’m there I will be ok. I have to be, I don’t have a choice. If I have a panic attack I’ll probably take a deep breath, try to relax and if I need to I’ll call my wife or mom. Someone who will listen to me and tell me it’s going to be ok.

I wish I wasn’t going and could pretend that I don’t have anxiety. GAD isn’t something I’d wish on anyone but that’s what I have. It’s not me. It’s not who I am, I have to keep that in mind when I’m worried with the what ifs.

Wish I could eat

When you have anxiety sometimes you have a panic attack and are left feeling shaky and starving. Or sometimes you didn’t eat and start shaking and then have a panic attack start to build. Then there is today when I feel so stressed that the butterflies in my stomach make me want to throw up. Your appetite is complete gone.

This is my day today. I called my doctor and they will be increasing my Paxil from 20mg back to 30mg. I still have two weeks before I’m in Florida at a conference so I pray it’s enough time to get In my system.

It feels like I’m taking a step back but to be honest. I don’t care. I just want release from this fear.

Just today

Matthew 6:34 says “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” This is my goal for today.

I still have a few short weeks until my trip to Florida and it’s hard not to think about the what if’s. I feel like if I don’t think about it it will cause the thoughts to catch me off guard and panic will surprise me, leaving me defenseless.

If allow myself to think about the what if’s then I spend this anxious energy worried, with no positive outcome. This can cause the paradox in your mind, leaving you more scared because you just don’t know what to do.

Last night I was driving home from work and felt relaxed. I took this opportunity to tell myself that for the rest of the day I’m not going to think about Florida, the flight or anything. It felt so nice not to think. Maybe I’ll just ignore these feelings. They say ignorance is bliss.

Small dot

Today I was watching a video and a teacher gave out a test for people to describe this little black dot. They talked about the size and shape and where it was in relation to the page. The teacher said “no one talked about the blank white page. You all focused on the tiny detail and missed the big picture”.

That summed up the last few weeks with my worry. Life is shooting by fast and I’m hyper focused on this tiny dot. The biggest problem with anxiety or worry is that you spend so much time think about the future. Thinking and spending all your energy on the problem that is that dot, the thing that over the span of your life is so small and insignificant. But, that’s what your mind does when your suffering from anxiety and worry. You can’t stop thinking. What if?

When you do stop thinking about your worry it feels great! The feeling of taking a break almost makes you want to cry. It’s like water when your thirsty. I know soon I will be flying to Florida, then I’ll be back home and the stress will subside.

I’m sure a lot of people are like me but it doesn’t help when your going through it. Luckily I do have friends and family who will listen, pray and talk to me.

It will be ok.

Fear in a handful of dust

I hate that my current fear is based from a past fear. One time along time ago I had a massive panic attack and got sick for a few weeks. Ever since then, every time I feel sick I start to panic.

I could be sitting with a friend having a great time. But then my body catches something that feels off. It could be a gas pain in my chest or a throb in my head or maybe even my arm tingles because I had it hanging over a chair. But my mind being on high alert reads danger and it decides to dump all of my adrenaline at once.

Then the mind starts working telling me hey something isn’t right you need to run to safety!

But what if you can’t? Then it builds and builds until you can try to disarm it by relaxing or you can go into a full panic attack.

I wish I could just see it as it is. It’s not danger, I’m not going to pass out. It’s just a surge of fake danger my mind/ body invented.